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Friday, 17 July 2015

Pixels and Valhalla

Hello everyone, and please be welcome whoever you are.
With the imminent release of the movie Pixels in the UK, I thought it entirely appropriate to rewrite and post a blog that originally appeared back in 2009.  But before I get to the old stuff, for those of you that are unsure, here is a trailer about Pixels



Basically a film about aliens that attack in the guise of cult classic video games, and the aging gamer geeks that are deployed to save the world.  And this got me thinking about Valhalla.


Valhalla is the hall for fallen warriors who have died honourably (and knowing norse mythology/history, probably horribly) in battle.  They train and prepare every day for Ragnarok, the Norse Armageddon.  I imagine that it gives strong believers a sense of comfort knowing that they will be defended by immortal warriors that do nothing but train for the end of days.  Gruff, bearded and coarse men who spend eternity fighting, and feasting.  Is this relevant in this day and age?  Not really.  In this day and age, we are protected by Geeks.

You may laugh and mock, in fact many of you frequently do.  However, once again, there is logic in my madness.  I will explain.

The Warriors of Valhalla are the best and most honourable soldiers, the cream of the crop, ideal for fighting impossible odds when Loki sets sail on his ship made of fingernails, Fenris breaks his shackles and the Midgard Serpent knocks its tail out of its own mouth.

Things have changed in the last few thousand years.  The end of the world will most likely come from a more technological or scientific source.  I don’t know about you, but I suspect a 1000 year dead Scandinavian warrior is going to be less effective at patching a firewall than an overweight spotty geek who has borderline RSI and virtually no sexlife.

And then lets look at Valhalla itself.

At the dawn of each new day all the warriors of Valhalla rise and march onto the field and proceed to fight each other to the death.  I don’t know about you, but that sounds like quite a few LAN parties I have attended, where we have played Black Hawk Down and Ravenshield for many hours, training and killing one another.  With the possible exception of the rising at Dawn part.  First thing in the afternoon is usually sufficient.  And I suppose these days, it would more likely be Call of Duty, or that stupid game Titanfall.

Then at the end of the fight, when everyone is dead, the warriors all rise from the field (Again, just like in LAN parties…) and proceed to the great hall to eat meat and drink mead and beer and what not until the next dawn.  (Yup, LAN party…).  You can also substitute LAN with Wifi. Shows how dated this blog was.  Yet still relevant.

The sturdy warriors are fed by the Valkyries, Warrior Maidens clad in armour who tend to the needs of the warriors.  No, that doesn’t happen in LAN parties, at least not any of the ones I have been at, though I imagine every geek reading this is almost drooling at the thought of being hand fed chicken from a Valkyrie.  (Not technically a euphemism)
So, I think it is time Valkyries started trawling the net and other other geek havens  such as Cybercafes, Forbidden Planet, Shops that sell Dice of assorted sizes, anywhere that stocks CCG (-not to be confused with CCJs, but just as devastating on your bank balance…) in order that we have the best defence against the end of the world.

And maybe, just maybe, they will be interested in your level 80 paladin…  (Or whatever the level cap on World of Warcraft is these days)

All the best

Sharpy